最近はやることなすこと全てが虚無に感じていて、絶望していました。
目標がなく、力が入らない日々が続いていて、精神的にしんどかったです。
ただ、そんな日々の中で、1つ気づいたことがありました。
この気づきが虚無感を完全に解決してくれるかは分かりませんが、しんどかった心が楽になったので、備忘録として残しておきたいと思います。
向かっていく方向が間違っていた。
生き方の話になるのですが、僕は向かっていく方向性が間違っていました。会社などでの役職を上げる、会社を起こす、ブログで10万円を稼ぐなど、ガンガン上に上がっていくような生き方をしようと思って過ごしていました。
しかし、この生き方が自分自身を苦しめていたことに気がつきました。会社の上司や好きなYoutuberが頑張る姿を見て、自分も感化されていたのだと思います。自分も頑張ろうと思っていても、力が入らなかったんです。ジムで筋トレに行こうと思っても動けませんでした。ブログを書かないといけないのに、PCに触ることすら難しかったです。
少し昔の話になるのですが、僕は海外でプロサッカー選手になるという口だけの目標を語っていた時期がありました。目標を掲げるも、全く努力しないんです。当時も、サッカーの練習をしなければいけないのに、全くしていなかったんです。当時は、虚無感がなかったものの、その時の状況と今の状況は似ているなと思ったんです。大きな目標を掲げている割に、行動が伴っていない点が。
僕はめんどくさがりだし、向上心もあるものの、学歴や経歴のある人と比べると、ナチュラルに努力できるタイプではないことに気づいたというか、思い出しました。この人たちと同じように、上を目指してはいけないと。
上を目指してはいけないというか、上を目指す時のマインドを改善する必要があるなと気づいたんです。
人の役にたつ、人を喜ばせるマインドを持つ
自分自身は内向型でミニマリストなので、少しのことで幸福感を感じてしまいます。何が言いたいかというと、自分自身はもう満たされているってことです。もちろん不満がないわけではないですが、ある程度満足してしまっていて、お金が欲しいとか、キャリアが欲しいとか正直ないです。
そんな状態で上を目指そうとしていたので、何のために上を目指すのか、上を目指して何になるのかが見えていなかったことがやることなすこと虚無に感じていたのかなと思います。
自分自身はもう満たされているので、周りの人をどのように役にたつかを考えたほうが性質的にも綺麗で明るい力が湧いてくる感覚があります。売上100万円を達成するよりも、1日1回お客様からありがとうと言われるという方向性のほうが頑張れるんです。
虚無を感じてしまう理由は、生き方に間違いがあるかもしれない。
今回はあくまでもぼくの見解ですが、生き方を誤っていると、しんどくなって虚無感を感じてしまうのかなと思いました。
克服できたかは分かりませんが、心が楽になったのは間違いありません。一旦、人の役に立つ、人を喜ばせるというマインドを持って過ごしてみたいと思います。
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